Tomás Bretón Portfolio: 2015

Universe

Universe /ˈjuːnɪˌvɜːs/

Noun

1. The aggregate of all existing matter, energy, and space

2. Human beings collectively.

3. A province or sphere of thought or activity

All your life you’ve been tough the universe is an infinite space which contains planets and other floating objects, a simple space too big and to lonely to fulfill. The universe is just existence; you couldn’t live without it, because, well, you just don’t exist. And it’s scary, knowing you depend so much on something you don’t even know the half of. You don’t know the secrets it holds or the tragedies it has witnessed; you know nothing even when you think you are a known-it-all.

The universe is a wonder, a place in which you believe with all your heart and have faith in and I think sometimes it looks a lot like love –You just, you go with it even in the darkest moments without questioning it, knowing everything will be alright at the end

But what happens when your universe is a person?

My life was made up of five little universes that altogether created my own infinite.

Five universes, five little human beings who don’t even know what they have done for me and will never do.

I didn’t ask for it, you know?

I never asked for full nights of sleepiness and sheared tears, I never asked for never-ending waits and a lighter wallet. But, somehow, I got it all and I don’t regret even a bit.

I have spent too many nights waiting for an out coming tour and too many days crying because of the lyrics of a lovesick stupid song that probably doesn’t even make their hearts pound on their chests like mine does every time I think of them. But I think that’s okay, right? That’s what the universe does. You always give everything you have without looking forward to something, you just do and if you love the universe as much as I love mine, you don’t really mind when you don’t get something in return.

119 days, 21 hours and 36 minutes I waited to meet my infinity.

And I’m proud to say: It was so so worth it. Not even the restless nights and hot days spent outside a shitty Stadium could ever change my mind.

Five universes.

And when one of them fades out? What do you do when they rip your universe away from you?

Just imagine.

You are chilling at home, watching that TV show you enjoy so much wrapped on your favourite jumper, the blankets hanging off your bed and a cup of tea resting peacefully on the bedside table when the world stops spinning for a second. The air leaves your lungs and you feel your heart thumping in your ears so loud it's the only thing your mind can sense and you feel as if someone was moving the wall so you can’t breathe. You first thought is “What the hell is happening?” and the lack of air is making your eyes get wet. Then you know.

Your universe has vanished.

I think I read something similar to it, something about soulmates and about how you only see in black and white until that person brings color to your life and you see in color. Is your universe your soulmate? I don’t know, could be.

I loved my five little universes, as pathetic and childish as it sounds. They were just, how do I start?

They brought a smile to my face every time, they made me become aware of things I never knew, and they made me tolerate every single person without even them noticing. I think they never really understood what they were doing; in fact, they never did.

When people say the usual of “It’s just a stupid boyband” I just reply back “They might be, but –because of wanting publicity or not- they have tough me more than you could ever wish you were. They might be immature, might not know how to dance quite great and might be liars; but I wouldn’t change them for any other thing in the world”

I can’t say how thankful I’m for the chance that I got to look at them and say “I know you are sad” just by looking at their wrists movements, to read someone’s body expression without words. But what I’m most thankful for is the fact that I got to enjoy the most breath-taking, blinding smiles that makes me want to laugh with crinkles by my eyes and cry overwhelmed because sometimes I feel I could burst with love.

Now, one of the little universes left me.

I’ve been crying non-stop for two days straight. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the news. I just.

I started screaming, begging, crying.

It felt as if someone had ripped my heart from my chest and now I just feel a black space on my chest that I don’t will go away. You get used to the pain, they say, but how? I may be overcorrecting; they say it isn’t as if he had died and that he left because he wanted to try and be normal.

I don’t care.

I know why he left, and I respect it, but when you get used to seeing the same simple smile for four years what are you supposed to do? He became my world, and now he isn’t there. I will never again hear his high notes or get to see him crying of laugher on a concert because they splashed water to the drummer while he was doing his solo. What am I going to do, when through a crowded space the only thing I’m looking for is his simile and it is nowhere to be seen?

I’m going to miss him so much; it’s so surreal I don’t want to believe it.

The universe left, and with him a piece of my heart was ripped off my chest with so much easiness it scares me.

Now I have four universes instead of five, and my infinite feels smaller than ever.

"I'll just laugh at any man whoever laughs at me when I'm 30 years old and says: 'You were in that band' and I will say: 'Yeah. And I had a sick time mate, so keep laughing'." – Zayn Malik.